beautiful clouds
backlit by morning sunshine
crow's silhouette
© Rachel Green 2019
encouraged
to enter a weight loss competition
I decline
I haven't lost much
and I'm still twenty kilos
above my target weight.
I was tempted to make myself sick yesterday
but that way lies mental illness
and I have enough of that
already
© Rachel Green 2019
Thursday 28 February 2019
Wednesday 27 February 2019
27th February 2019
Tuesday 26 February 2019
26th February 2019
Monday 25 February 2019
25th February 2019
Sunday 24 February 2019
24th February 2019
morning sun
the open bedroom window
birdsong
© Rachel Green 2019
I still equate beautiful
with thin
despite a lifetime of being fat
and a double helping of body issues
I was thin, once,
before my brother died
and my mother
took the pharmaceuticals.
At least she dissuaded me
from a pacetetomol suicide.
All those tubes and stomach pumps
and she never did regain consciousness.
All for the loss of her little boy
while her teenage daughter cries
to the beep of a heart monitor.
© Rachel Green 2019
the open bedroom window
birdsong
© Rachel Green 2019
I still equate beautiful
with thin
despite a lifetime of being fat
and a double helping of body issues
I was thin, once,
before my brother died
and my mother
took the pharmaceuticals.
At least she dissuaded me
from a pacetetomol suicide.
All those tubes and stomach pumps
and she never did regain consciousness.
All for the loss of her little boy
while her teenage daughter cries
to the beep of a heart monitor.
© Rachel Green 2019
Saturday 23 February 2019
23rd February 2019
lying awake at six
listening to the dawn chorus
slept through both alarms
© Rachel Green 2019
I'll never forget
the way she looked at me
as she fell from the overhang
a look of betrayal
loss
astonishment
despair.
I'm haunted by it still
though it's a better image
than when I saw her next
after she'd smashed her face
on the rocks below.
© Rachel Green 2019
listening to the dawn chorus
slept through both alarms
© Rachel Green 2019
I'll never forget
the way she looked at me
as she fell from the overhang
a look of betrayal
loss
astonishment
despair.
I'm haunted by it still
though it's a better image
than when I saw her next
after she'd smashed her face
on the rocks below.
© Rachel Green 2019
Friday 22 February 2019
22nd February 2019
purple crocus
stretching long necks to the sun
homecoming geese
© Rachel Green 2019
Night At the Crown
she was all right
a seven in a bar full of fours
used to come-ons and flirting
and the Art of Pulling a Pint.
Arms like Popeye
and a face to launch
a canal barge, at least,
maybe a fishing vessel
at a pinch
(and a pinch is what she gave
to the few men she fancied)
I was sixteen, looked nineteen,
and in love with her
She taught me how to bring her pleasure
among the empty kegs in the cellar
and gave me a lifelong fetish
for an anchor tattoo.
© Rachel Green 2019
stretching long necks to the sun
homecoming geese
© Rachel Green 2019
Night At the Crown
she was all right
a seven in a bar full of fours
used to come-ons and flirting
and the Art of Pulling a Pint.
Arms like Popeye
and a face to launch
a canal barge, at least,
maybe a fishing vessel
at a pinch
(and a pinch is what she gave
to the few men she fancied)
I was sixteen, looked nineteen,
and in love with her
She taught me how to bring her pleasure
among the empty kegs in the cellar
and gave me a lifelong fetish
for an anchor tattoo.
© Rachel Green 2019
Thursday 21 February 2019
21st February 2019
sparrows
on a telephone wire
rain drop symphony
© Rachel Green 2019
on a telephone wire
rain drop symphony
© Rachel Green 2019
Third Fight
I don't remember
what our fight was
about
dissatisfaction with
the relationship
stagnation over the
proximity
or the fact I was away
all week
fingerbanging the girls
from the art school
(or so you believed).
I recall we were in the
park
(or maybe the cemetery)
a bench, anyway,
with you in your winter
coat and scarf
and me in my motorcycle
leathers.
You walked off,
home to your mother's
or to your friend
Jude's.
I went back to
Wolverhampton
where the parties went
on all night
and smoked a joint on
the tower block roof.
© Rachel Green May 2017
Wednesday 20 February 2019
20th February 2019
scattering poppy seeds
across the bare earth
fresh daffodils
© Rachel Green 2019
old lady
pushing a bicycle
warns me of the cliff edge
and the prevalance of violent men.
A body found below the cliff
leaves a long shadow of fear.
We all have our demons, she says,
looking over my shoulder.
© Rachel Green 2019
across the bare earth
fresh daffodils
© Rachel Green 2019
old lady
pushing a bicycle
warns me of the cliff edge
and the prevalance of violent men.
A body found below the cliff
leaves a long shadow of fear.
We all have our demons, she says,
looking over my shoulder.
© Rachel Green 2019
Tuesday 19 February 2019
19th February 2019
sunshine warmth
on the cold earth
a mistlethrush
© Rachel Green 2019
Laverstone
Never thought I'd be back
after the hospital stay
and the conversion therapy.
I thought that was banned now?
At least I'm an adult now.
I can avoid psychiatric care
so long as I'm not a danger to anyone
or myself, obvs.
I don't remember killing Angela
Even though they said I did
and besides
it was ruled 'accidental'
I haven't driven since.
© Rachel Green 2019
on the cold earth
a mistlethrush
© Rachel Green 2019
Laverstone
Never thought I'd be back
after the hospital stay
and the conversion therapy.
I thought that was banned now?
At least I'm an adult now.
I can avoid psychiatric care
so long as I'm not a danger to anyone
or myself, obvs.
I don't remember killing Angela
Even though they said I did
and besides
it was ruled 'accidental'
I haven't driven since.
© Rachel Green 2019
Monday 18 February 2019
18th February 2019
warmth
encouraging leafy growth
the dog, peeing
© Rachel Green 2019
sudden illness
overtakes the household
stay away
all you young dudes
a minor spill
from the research laboratory
on the outskirts of town
toxic gas
among the student housing
Thank the Gods
is was nobody important
and we can label it
'a tragic gas leak'
and blame it
on a faulty stove
© Rachel Green 2019
encouraging leafy growth
the dog, peeing
© Rachel Green 2019
sudden illness
overtakes the household
stay away
all you young dudes
a minor spill
from the research laboratory
on the outskirts of town
toxic gas
among the student housing
Thank the Gods
is was nobody important
and we can label it
'a tragic gas leak'
and blame it
on a faulty stove
© Rachel Green 2019
Sunday 17 February 2019
17th February 2019
Saturday 16 February 2019
16th February 2019
birdsong
leaing the way into morning
my nightmares
© Rachel Green 2019
a loose dog
lopes along the highway
resisting offers of help
lifts from kindly strangers
offers of food.
Where is he going
with such determination
a sense of purpose
as he lopes along the verge
brushing through the ragwort
and the hedge parsley
on a mission
© Rachel Green 2019
leaing the way into morning
my nightmares
© Rachel Green 2019
a loose dog
lopes along the highway
resisting offers of help
lifts from kindly strangers
offers of food.
Where is he going
with such determination
a sense of purpose
as he lopes along the verge
brushing through the ragwort
and the hedge parsley
on a mission
© Rachel Green 2019
Friday 15 February 2019
15th February 2019
morning sun
burning away the frost
the heat of dog's paws
© Rachel Green 2019
it took a while
kicking through leaves
trying to recognise a particular tree
after ten years of growth
in a chunk of forest next to the A6134
but she found it
more by luck than judgement
and the skin of a grazed knee.
Shifting stones
while her partner reels off facts
about stages of decomposition
he learned from watching CSI
and Silent Witness.
And in the end he might be right:
there's nothing left there at all
not even bones or skin
but there's still a chance
the body
was resurrected
after all.
© Rachel Green 2019
burning away the frost
the heat of dog's paws
© Rachel Green 2019
it took a while
kicking through leaves
trying to recognise a particular tree
after ten years of growth
in a chunk of forest next to the A6134
but she found it
more by luck than judgement
and the skin of a grazed knee.
Shifting stones
while her partner reels off facts
about stages of decomposition
he learned from watching CSI
and Silent Witness.
And in the end he might be right:
there's nothing left there at all
not even bones or skin
but there's still a chance
the body
was resurrected
after all.
© Rachel Green 2019
Thursday 14 February 2019
14th Fevruary 2019
sacrificial roses
line the petrol station forecourt
semi-naked boys
© Rachel Green 2019
a good chunk
of text about guilt
instilled by the church
in an effort to control.
Sermons about hellfire
and the bliss of Heaven
God's good ol' carrot and stick
making people hate everyone else
since written memory began
© Rachel Green 2019
line the petrol station forecourt
semi-naked boys
© Rachel Green 2019
a good chunk
of text about guilt
instilled by the church
in an effort to control.
Sermons about hellfire
and the bliss of Heaven
God's good ol' carrot and stick
making people hate everyone else
since written memory began
© Rachel Green 2019
Wednesday 13 February 2019
13th February 2019
snowdrops
peering from the undergrowth
broken glass
© Rachel Green 2019
how much of your skin
is salvageable?
a few inches?
square feet?
a full yard?
Enough to cover a canvas
that I might paint a memorium
to your decaying corpse?
Those surgical scars
would make fine anchorpoints
and the tattoos blush neatly
beneath the titanium white.
© Rachel Green 2019
peering from the undergrowth
broken glass
© Rachel Green 2019
how much of your skin
is salvageable?
a few inches?
square feet?
a full yard?
Enough to cover a canvas
that I might paint a memorium
to your decaying corpse?
Those surgical scars
would make fine anchorpoints
and the tattoos blush neatly
beneath the titanium white.
© Rachel Green 2019
Tuesday 12 February 2019
12th February 2019
Chesterfield gull
in a mid-air fight
angry crow
© Rachel Green 2019
© Rachel Green 2019
in a mid-air fight
angry crow
© Rachel Green 2019
a promise to the future
scattering flower seeds
along the border,
The lupins on the M5
scattered by my father
when he stopped to help
someone. Anyone.
a paper bag full of seeds
collected from his garden.
It brings me joy
to pass a bank of lupins in full bloom.
You still make me smile, Dad.
© Rachel Green 2019
Monday 11 February 2019
11th February 2019
Sunday 10 February 2019
10th February 2019
sparrows
flashing past rain-streaked windows
Lu's filthy Mercedes
© Rachel Green 2019
I tried to care
but you wanted nothing more.
I became your Hitler
your Marie Antoinette
your Ann Frank,
collecting the hateful cards
you sent every day.
Honestly, after the the third
I stopped opening them
(they were probably a crime)
and just collected them all
in a large brown envelope
and when they stopped
(was it a month? six weeks? a quarter?)
sent them all back to you
unopened
with just a single note:
"Here's your mail art project
fuck you."
© Rachel Green 2019
flashing past rain-streaked windows
Lu's filthy Mercedes
© Rachel Green 2019
I tried to care
but you wanted nothing more.
I became your Hitler
your Marie Antoinette
your Ann Frank,
collecting the hateful cards
you sent every day.
Honestly, after the the third
I stopped opening them
(they were probably a crime)
and just collected them all
in a large brown envelope
and when they stopped
(was it a month? six weeks? a quarter?)
sent them all back to you
unopened
with just a single note:
"Here's your mail art project
fuck you."
© Rachel Green 2019
Saturday 9 February 2019
9th February 2019
dry leaves
skittering along the path
garden chairs
© Rachel Green 2019
she sees herself
on the other side of the lake
walking through ryegrass
brushing away flies
and the spider's webs
dangling from the willow branches.
Is this the future or the past?
ripples in the water
offer no clue to the time of day
or time of life
jeans, shoes, tee-shirt
a small overhang of belly...
She could be forty or sixty
© Rachel Green 2019
skittering along the path
garden chairs
© Rachel Green 2019
she sees herself
on the other side of the lake
walking through ryegrass
brushing away flies
and the spider's webs
dangling from the willow branches.
Is this the future or the past?
ripples in the water
offer no clue to the time of day
or time of life
jeans, shoes, tee-shirt
a small overhang of belly...
She could be forty or sixty
© Rachel Green 2019
Friday 8 February 2019
8th February 2019
"climatically challenging"
my new expression for cold, wet and blustery
Winterfilth*
© Rachel Green 2019
She relives the past
endlessly blaming the man she loved
for breaking her heart.
No-one else survives her
everyone leaves
one after another
unable to compete with her lost love
(who loved her, still
until she threw him out)
and the rain drips down the windows
blown through the gaps
between glass and lead
until you can't tell which rain
and which are tears.
© Rachel Green 2019
*The tenth month in the Shire calendar, according to Tolkien
my new expression for cold, wet and blustery
Winterfilth*
© Rachel Green 2019
She relives the past
endlessly blaming the man she loved
for breaking her heart.
No-one else survives her
everyone leaves
one after another
unable to compete with her lost love
(who loved her, still
until she threw him out)
and the rain drips down the windows
blown through the gaps
between glass and lead
until you can't tell which rain
and which are tears.
© Rachel Green 2019
*The tenth month in the Shire calendar, according to Tolkien
Thursday 7 February 2019
7th February 2019
Wednesday 6 February 2019
6th February 2019
morning sunlight
warming my cold, cold feet
faithful dog
© Rachel Green 2019
silent computer
the keyboard dusty
on a desk with the detritus
of monkey nuts
orange and banana peel
and coupons for money off
items I will never buy.
Jotted notes for novels
and games I used to play
vitimin pills untaken
and the faint scent of patchouli
that I never wore
© Rachel Green 2019
warming my cold, cold feet
faithful dog
© Rachel Green 2019
silent computer
the keyboard dusty
on a desk with the detritus
of monkey nuts
orange and banana peel
and coupons for money off
items I will never buy.
Jotted notes for novels
and games I used to play
vitimin pills untaken
and the faint scent of patchouli
that I never wore
© Rachel Green 2019
Tuesday 5 February 2019
5th February 2019
Monday 4 February 2019
4th February 2019
tangled clouds
in the TV aerial
a chaffinch
© Rachel Green 2019
Thing I don't want to do
part 17
I don't want to come to your funeral
despite the time we had together
(seven years feels longer than it was -
enough to witness your indifference
and casual cruelty)
and you left me long before
we parted ways
I wasn't as stupid as you thought
or as accepting of your trysts
and is it any wonder I gave up dancing?)
so stick your dying wish
where the sun doesn't shine
© Rachel Green 2019
in the TV aerial
a chaffinch
© Rachel Green 2019
Thing I don't want to do
part 17
I don't want to come to your funeral
despite the time we had together
(seven years feels longer than it was -
enough to witness your indifference
and casual cruelty)
and you left me long before
we parted ways
I wasn't as stupid as you thought
or as accepting of your trysts
and is it any wonder I gave up dancing?)
so stick your dying wish
where the sun doesn't shine
© Rachel Green 2019
Sunday 3 February 2019
3rd Fenruary 2019
pink tinted clouds
limned by frost
the cat's whiskers
© Rachel Green 2019
Sunday morning
in the middle of England
Below freezing
and thick ice on the windows
but no heating
because the landlady has a lie-in on Sundays
and anyway,
people should be at church
but I'm an atheist
and a cold one at that
and the heating control
is in someone else's bedroom
© Rachel Green 2019
limned by frost
the cat's whiskers
© Rachel Green 2019
Sunday morning
in the middle of England
Below freezing
and thick ice on the windows
but no heating
because the landlady has a lie-in on Sundays
and anyway,
people should be at church
but I'm an atheist
and a cold one at that
and the heating control
is in someone else's bedroom
© Rachel Green 2019
Saturday 2 February 2019
2nd February 2019
Friday 1 February 2019
1st February 2019
Imbolc
swept in by a gale
flakes of frozen ice
© Rachel Green 2019
a slice of cherry cake
on the front step.
It can't have been here long
else the cat would have pinched it
or a passing dog, or fox.
Why would someone leave her cherry cake
wrapped in a piece of tin foil?
Is it laced with something?
poison? drugs? razor blades?
You can't trust a gift horse these days
not like when she was a kid
when every housewife would give you biscuits
if you knocked on their door for water
and the telly gave you non-stop messages
promoting xenophobia,
homophobia
europe-phobia
and broadcast warning films
about foot-and-mouth
and rabies.
She eats the cake with a cup of tea
and thinks about her dead sister.
© Rachel Green 2019
swept in by a gale
flakes of frozen ice
© Rachel Green 2019
a slice of cherry cake
on the front step.
It can't have been here long
else the cat would have pinched it
or a passing dog, or fox.
Why would someone leave her cherry cake
wrapped in a piece of tin foil?
Is it laced with something?
poison? drugs? razor blades?
You can't trust a gift horse these days
not like when she was a kid
when every housewife would give you biscuits
if you knocked on their door for water
and the telly gave you non-stop messages
promoting xenophobia,
homophobia
europe-phobia
and broadcast warning films
about foot-and-mouth
and rabies.
She eats the cake with a cup of tea
and thinks about her dead sister.
© Rachel Green 2019
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