When the Dogs Bite

Thursday, 9 April 2026

9th April 2026

Confirm Humanity

the End is just beginning

remember captchas?

The Church that Does What It Says on the Tin.

Robert Smith has gone to Heaven

and will be lonely for a while,

with only some serial killers for company

because they are the only ones now

to take confession before they die.

Robert wasn't a killer

but he was the luckiest man alive

(although he's now happily deceased)

to be baptised a moment before

his death by drowning.

Let us give praise to Cheryl Bartley

the Pastor of Erdington

who gave him the gift

of everlasting life

moments before he drowned

and streamed it live

from a garden pond

in the Life Changing Ministries garden.

Lord Crown Prosecutor we beg thee:

Dismiss the charge of manslaughter

on this dedicated minister

for she bringeth guaranteed ascension

in one affordable package.

Amen.

Pastor charged after man drowned during baptism

Wednesday, 8 April 2026

8th April 2026

Wireless Festival cancelled

Government denies Kanye West visa

sweet Justice

Heartfelt

The book you bought for my birthday

and wrapped with tissue paper and purple ribbon

lies forgotten in the loft;

one book amongst many,

in a box labelled 'to keep'

for I gave you that much,

and inside the crabbed pages

a birthday card you made --

a marker of how far I got

before you left me for a man

with a beard and excess belly

who threatened me as I left for work,

a victim of the manly art

of being transphobic and mean

face-to-face with a deviant weirdo

he thought he could intimidate.

No matter.

I looked him in the eyes and said 'no'

I wouldn't move from the marital home

until I had somewhere to go.

Was it brave of me or not?

He was twice my size and had God

firmly in his corner

weeping as the world died.

I kept the book for thirty years

until I finally went through the box

and gave it to the charity shop

still

with the card inside.

Tuesday, 7 April 2026

7th April 2026

Wireless Festival

headlines Kanye West

prints swastikas

Tibia

You showed me a rose

made from a collection of animal bones

and I thought it such a romantic gesture.

I want to repay the favour

and commission a flute for you,

made from the flute within my leg,

played once

and cast into the flames.

Monday, 6 April 2026

6th April 2026

billionaire David Ellison

to take over as head of CNN

renamed "Trump Propaganda"

Death by Dino

papier-mâché stegosaurus

in Santa Coloma de Gramenet

reveals a dark secret:

encased in the steel armature

of its hollow leg

the rotting body of a father

who dropped his phone inside.

One of the few people to have been killed by dinosaurs

since the Brontosaur fossil

fell over in 1863

Man dies trapped inside dinosaur

Sunday, 5 April 2026

5th April 2026

Storm names

give us something distinct to blame

"Dave did that!"

dreaming

my brain interprets his snoring

as an attempted speech

and a character in my story

says the same thing over and over

An awards ceremony

where I should change into a white suit

but I can't be bothered to claim

meaningless accolades

for what am I but a speck of dust

with momentary consciousness.

Saturday, 4 April 2026

4th April 2026

Father and son

burn to death in auto-locked Tesla

two less Republicans.

Rot in Hull

Don't leave me to wonder

if my garden rose bush

grows from the ashes of my unborn son

or if I only paid for your ashtray

when I collected that tiny box

I don't need an apology

not that you've offered one,

or the three hundred pounds we raised in her name

that was earmarked for Sands

and not the charity of the Crown and Anchor.

Just give me back the memory

of her tiny, ultrasound hand.

Father and son incinerated in Tesla

preventing lawful burial

Friday, 3 April 2026

3rd April 2026

Artemis II

another trip to the moon

no fix for the Earth

One Ring

State Sen. J. Stuart Adams,

Republican leader of the Utah Senate,

can you tell me why you think

transwomen put girls at risk

when you know damned well

it's your own relatives

who rape thirteen-year-olds;

and while you persecute the queer community

you relax the laws against child abuse

and reduce it from felony to misdemeanour.

Dear Republicans:

I think your priorities

have all been labelled backwards.

Please stop promoting child sexual abuse

for Republican molesters.

If you'd be so kind.

GOP senator who said trans people put girls at “risk” just helped a relative who raped a 13-year-old