When the Dogs Bite

Thursday, 28 May 2026

28th May 2026

slimming fail

I thought Coffee Mate was free

apparently not

Words Okay

Kindled in Bacon

a love for books

Shakespeare, Keats, Greek tragedies.

Literature should be devoured

not eked out and taken

in medicinal doses:

children should read voraciously

of any book they lay their hands on.

Father considered mental desire

an immoral impeachment

and intellectualism

an impediment to society.

Grandmother 'entertained'

(and read of that what you will)

and went to extraordinary pains

to stay slim as a reed

and athletic as a dancing girl,

and if one cannot dance

it is best to be amusing.

Wednesday, 27 May 2026

27th May 2026

Cook prefers bathrooms

be kept neat and tidy

short-cut grass

Old Men, Young Wives

"Don't call us paedophiles," they said,

"We love kids in Oklahoma;

we can ban their education

then they're unlikely to roam-a.

"The Bible verse allows us

to wed a pre-pubescent teen

We have to know they're virgins

'cause the old ones are obscene.

"We don't need no government

to tell us who to wed

we'd rather have our children

tucked up safely in our bed.

"It says right here in Hebrews

we can wed a babe in arms

unless that baby's Jewish

then deport them to our farms.

"It isn't paedophilia

if you're married to the kid

then when they give us daughters

we can marry them instead.

"God doesn't like divorce at all

that's why he gave us guns

and taught us to make alcohol

so "accidents' are done.

We don't like homosexuals

because their sex gives us the icks

we want the manly men round here

with kiddies on their arms.

36 Republicans vote for child marriages

Tuesday, 26 May 2026

26th May 2026

mowing the grass

with the day's heat ebbing

pre-empt the kid asking

The Most Decent of Vicars

The delightful Reverend Richard Coles

is sixty-four and now retired

from vicaring at St Mary's Souls

write novels now because he's tired

of taking stick from Powers That Be

about stuff he did in funereal rites

and breaking unfair laws to see

parishioners buried with their dear pets.

“There is a wideness to God’s mercy

that doesn't mind just who loves what

Love is like the wideness of the sea;

and it's up to us to judge them not.

He doesn't mind the gays, the trans,

or old ladies living in their vans.

Reverend Richard Coles admits to breaking law during burials

Monday, 25 May 2026

25th May 2026

young lad

offers to cut my lawns

every four days

Down Among the Women

the
desperate tragedy

traced back on an intimate scale,

when the entire world bends;

the horrors of war with characteristic verve--

truckloads of young girls,

ferried in for the troops,

crammed into catacombs beneath the desert floor.

Where are their memorials?

raise a monument in the heart of London

and call it the Tomb of the Unknown Whore.

Let the King pay homage once a year

on Mountbatten Day.

Sunday, 24 May 2026

24th May 2026

electrical wiring

where I can't see the terminals

failing sight

Rent-Free

I dreamt last night

you accused me of not loving you

and it was time for me to leave;

and you were right:

it's hard to love someone

who put me in hospital

and we've been divorced almost forty years,

so why are you even here

living in my dreams rent-free

when I evicted you so very long ago.

Saturday, 23 May 2026

23rd May 2926

toothache trip

turns into gruelling day

bitten dentist

The dean of Cardiff's Llandaff Cathedral

an Anglican priest of “deliverance"

deals with poltergeists, hauntings and frightful

and things that make layman gurn in askance.

Every diocese in England and Wales

has a team of ministers, you see,

a dozen a year in just Cardiff pales

to numbers of people possessed there can be.

My house in south Dyfed had a cold spot

which indicates presence of ghosts

around where we'd put the new baby's cot

was a portal for demonic hosts.

I had the house blessed by a vicar with salt

and that brought the ghost in a mask to a halt.

I do 'exorcisms' for the Church of England

Friday, 22 May 2026

22nd May 2026

morning shower

now involves falling over

ear infection

Open Letter to Elon Musk

just because you wish your son

had never transitioned to female

shouldn't mean you want her dead.

She remembers when you were kind

and not the monster you are today

so stop asking you fans and sycophants

to end her life as a favour.

Even your wife regrets her book

and apologised to the trans community

“Stop putting hits on her head”