Hard Cheddar

Dilated,
the image in the mirror
shifts a fraction
as a speculum
the size of a locomotive
and (by the feel of it)
fresh out of the freezer
invades my personal space.
“Just hold it there,”
says the nurse (male)
“and give me a smile.”

I’d have kicked him
had my feet not been in stirrups.
“Just my little joke,” he says,
shining a torch inside.
“It looks uninhabited
but I’ll take a swab, just in case.”

I’ll give him uninhabited,
and I relax
in that defining moment
where I imagine shoving a speculum
up his urethra
and saying ‘cheese.”